Years ago, when I was very depressed and overwhelmed, my therapist suggested I go on medication. The analogy she used was this: I could either walk to New York, or I could take a golf cart. Either way, it's a long, slow-moving trip. But with medication, at least I wouldn't be so tired when I got there. The problem was, with me, the medication turned out to be a total crap golf cart. I shoulda Forrest Gump'd it and just ran. Or, hi. Found a better analogy.
It's occurred to me that my stagnation is rooted in the desire to be perfect. I'm so afraid of a misstep, or of offending, that I've become a wind-up toy; spinning and yapping in circles. A while ago, I read a quote that said something to the effect of: The way you do anything, is the way you do everything. Yep. Pretty much. The same plague of thoughts that cause me to pull the covers over my head in the morning, strikes me with the music. Except, with music, I attach justification. After all, dozens of people will hear the songs! They need to be perfect! I must not fail! Ears are at stake! Dozens of them!
I realize "perfection" does not exist. And it's boring. In fact, I think kids should be taught this in school. There should be a class where the students are graded on how much they can disappoint the teacher. Let's just get it out of the way. We're all going to disappoint people in life. We're going to disappoint ourselves. We're going to fall short of our goals, and we're going to be surprised with our capacity to destroy potential. But we need to learn to get over it. Disappointment should not be something we fear. It's actually quite a useful tool in motivating us towards success.
I'm not sure why I ever thought medication could help me. On or off the chalk, I have the same issues. If I were to come up with a better analogy, it would be this: New York is a state of mind.
That's exactly what I needed to hear. :]
Thanks for that.
Posted by: Chelly | on March 15, 2006 03:59 PM