And here's where you'll think I'm strange.
I am deeply and devoutly invested in dream theory. It was never a design of mine, but since I've historically had vivid dreams and excellent recall, I couldn’Äôt help but notice a certain amount of entertainment and meaning in them.
But in all my years of dream observation and journaling, I have only once had a dream so lucid and shattering, that I felt as though I left my body and existed somewhere else. It happened while I was in Ireland ’Äì a time of great emotional swing for me. It was actually terrifying, but I remember every detail.
Last night, I had another. And I woke up crying.
In addition to the power of dreams in my life, I also believe in the power of totems. Together, they make a powerful teacher. I feel the totem is a symbol that guides and comforts me. My totem is The Rabbit. More specifically, the totem is my lost bunny, Nancy ’Äì who, yes, I lavishly adored. I dream of her often. I dream of her at least once a week. I usually wake up missing her ’Äì feeling she was really there with me.
But last night, as I awoke in the dream, my arms were full of her fluffy joy. It was a remarkable moment because I’Äôve missed her...and because I believe her spirit was communicating directly with me in only the way a totem could. I felt guided, loved, and protected. (I know, I know. Protected by a RABBIT!!) Nevertheless. Symbolically, quite powerful to my little pea brain.
I quickly woke up as I felt a slide back into my body. As it sometimes happens, I remained paralyzed for a few minutes before I could process what I just experienced. Then, the feeling of utter coldness and hardness closed in around me before I began to weep.
Have you ever been in a place where you felt so warm, loved, happy and peaceful that coming out of it was such an alarming experience, you almost forget it’Äôs where you live most of your life? It’Äôs pretty sad when that good place is only in your head.
But despite my feelings of loss this morning, I also feel a spark of that love that's as tangible as being held by my mother.
So forgive me for posting what will certainly seem silly and not at all relevant to the album. However, when I read back on this as an archived entry, I’Äôll be glad I wrote about it ’Äì as a reminder for a feeling that I rarely feel anymore.
Nancy.
